TL;DR: Couples therapy often stalls when the work focuses only on communication while missing the deeper emotional, trauma, or nervous system patterns underneath the conflict. If a couple keeps having the same fight despite trying hard in therapy, the issue may be the method, not the couple. More structured or trauma-informed treatment may be needed.
Still Having the Same Fight?
You have been in couples therapy for a year. Maybe two. You’re still having the same fight.
That is not a “you” problem. That is a methodology problem.
When Therapy Has No Real Structure
Most couples therapy in Columbus, Ohio is what therapists call eclectic. That word sounds flexible and thoughtful. Maybe even a little cutting edge. What it actually means is that your therapist is doing whatever feels right in the moment. There is no structured plan. There is no proven therapy model. There is a person in a chair asking how that made you feel or giving you the worksheet of the day.
Reading a Gottman Self-Help Book Doesn’t Make you A Gottman Therapist
Some therapists say they are doing Gottman Method couple therapy. When you ask their clients about the Four Horsemen or structured timeout protocols, they have never heard of those things. They’ve never been given the Gottman assessment, let alone heard of the Aftermath of a Fight intervention. That is because their therapist read one of the Gottman’s self-help books and started calling themselves a Gottman therapist. Actual Gottman training takes weeks to years for the therapist to complete, depending on their level of training.
Are They an Actual EFT Therapist
The same is true for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). EFT is one of the hardest models to learn to use correctly. You can be trained in it and still get it wrong. I don’t know how many therapist I talk to that don’t know the difference between Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3 of EFT. They say they’ve had a couple in Phase 1 for over a year and just can’t get them to budge. Phase 1 of EFT ends when the couple can recognize their negative cycle, name it, and call it out, there is de-escalation of the conflict, and they see the cycle as the enemy instead of each other. EFT is intended to take 12-20 sessions, not several years. Many people in who say they do EFT are doing something that resembles it from a distance. Again, they’ve read a self-help book and equated it with training.
This is what you have been sitting in isn’t it? Not real structured couples therapy. A loose approximation of it.
You Are Not Fighting About What You Think You Are Fighting About
Another reason couples therapy stalls is that the therapist is treating what you say you are fighting about. You say you fight about money, or parenting, or how much time your partner spends working. That is the content of the fight. That is not the problem.
The Nervous System Is Driving the Fight
The problem is what happens in your nervous system the second that fight starts. One of you says something. The other one reacts in a way that triggers something older and bigger than this conversation. And then you are off. Not two adults disagreeing about money. Two people running on something that happened decades before you met each other.
Communication Skills Are Not Enough
When couples therapy is not trauma-informed it often misses this entirely. It teaches you skills you already know how to use. You use them at work every day. You ask clarifying questions. You do not assume the worst about a colleague’s intention. You take a breath before you respond in a meeting. You do this automatically; with people you aren’t in love with.
With your partner, those skills disappear the moment the argument starts. That is not a communication problem. That is your nervous system doing what it was trained to do by something that happened before your partner was in your life. Or even reacting to the depth of your love for each other. Fearing the loss of your attachment bond.
Attachment Panic Can Feel Like a Life or Death Matter
When the attachment bond in a relationship gets activated, the brain responds the same as it would to a life-or-death situation. Not because you are dramatic. Because your brain has not updated the distinction between emotional pain and physical danger. When you feel your partner pulling away, or dismissing what you are saying, or not responding the way you need them to, the alarm system goes off. You escalate or you shut down. Both of those responses are the brain trying to get what you need before it is too late.
Good Couples Therapy Treats the Pattern Beneath the Fight
That is what couples therapy without a trauma framework cannot reach. It can teach you what to do in the fight. It cannot get to the part of your mind and body that is choreographing the fight in the first place.
If you have been in couples therapy that is not moving, there is a question worth asking. It is not whether you are trying hard enough. The question is whether the approach is reaching what is driving the pattern of conflict or shutdown between you and your partner.
Couples Therapy in Columbus, Ohio
I am Yvonne Judge, IMFT-S, EMDRIA Certified Therapist and Approved Consultant. I work with couples in Columbus, Ohio in person or via video and across the state of Ohio via telehealth using Gottman Method Couple Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Structural Therapy. Contact us now for a free consultation.
