What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a therapy model which requires specific training (Doherty et al., 2016). It is meant to help couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning into the relationship determine with confidence and clarity which of three paths to take with the relationship: commit to a period of couples therapy, keep things as they are, or pursue divorce. It does this by helping them understand the patterns that led to the current problems, including each partner’s contribution to the underlying issues.
In my experience, the most common misconception couples have before talking to a discernment counselor is that it is couples therapy for people with a mixed agenda. A mixed agenda couple is one where one partner is not sure they want the relationship and the other wants to stay together.
The leaning in partner often feels that by learning relationship skills, the leaning out partner will determine the relationship is fixable and they will want to stay together. The leaning out partner doesn’t want couple therapy but may see it as ‘trying everything’ so they feel comfortable with a breakup. In reality, discernment counseling isn’t about healing the relationship. It’s about helping them make a decision about the relationship (Doherty et al., 2016).
Discernment Counseling vs. Couple Therapy
Couples counseling is meant to help partners heal their relationship by understanding each other, addressing underlying issues, and learning skills to manage the relationship’s problems. In contrast, discernment counseling is not meant to improve the relationship. It is meant to help couples understand enough about their relationship to decide what they want to do about it going forward (Doherty et al., 2016).
I have personally referred potential couple therapy clients to discernment counseling. I have done this when they came in for couple therapy but one of them was not sure they wanted couple therapy, or if they wanted to leave the relationship.
This hesitation often leads to a half-hearted attempt at couple therapy on the part of the leaning out spouse, who doesn’t want to do therapy or doesn’t feel they have the energy for it. This makes the leaning in spouse even more upset than they were to begin with, and it continues the couple’s negative cycle.
Both members of the couple being certain that they want to do couple therapy makes the therapy more successful. It also screens out couples who are not ready or appropriate for couples counseling at the moment.
So if a couple has a mixed agenda, I often refer them to discernment counseling first.
What Happens in Sessions?
Discernment counseling is limited to five sessions (Doherty et al., 2016). The five-session limit keeps discernment counseling focused on deciding the next step rather than accidentally slipping into couples therapy or prolonging indecision.
The initial commitment is for just one session, so neither partner has to agree to an extended process (Doherty et al., 2016). At the end of each session, the couple determines if they would like another session of discernment counseling. This is particularly helpful for the leaning-out partner, who may be reluctant to commit to counseling at all.
In couples counseling most of the time is spent with both members of the couple learning skills and understanding each other. In discernment counseling most of the time is spent with each member of the couple individually, only checking in with both parties at the end of each session (Doherty et al., 2016).
Most of the time in discernment counseling is spent talking with spouses individually (Doherty et al., 2016). This is because the leaning-in and leaning-out partners have different needs and agendas.
The leaning-in partner needs help understanding their spouse’s pain and recognizing their own contributions to the problems (Doherty et al., 2016). The leaning-out partner needs room to explain their reasons for considering divorce, explore their own contributions, and considering if they are willing to try to repair the relationship. Individual conversations with the therapist allow them to address each partner’s position while helping both develop greater clarity and confidence about their next step.
One of the biggest mistakes couples make that can slow the process is getting stuck in the desire to fix the relationship during discernment counseling, or in explaining why their partner is the bad guy (Doherty et al., 2016). While we empathize with each person’s story, we want to get out of the blame game as quickly as possible and start the discernment process.
In order to avoid getting stuck, I gently redirect them back to the point of discernment counseling. Especially the idea that they cannot make any changes in the relationship until both have made a decision about the direction they want to take with the relationship.
Who Is Discernment Counseling For?
It is built for what is called a “mixed-agenda” couple. One partner wants to stay. The other is unsure or leaning toward leaving (Doherty et al., 2016).
It is not right for everyone. Discernment counseling should not be used when:
- There is physical abuse in the relationship
- One partner has already made a firm, final decision to divorce
Those situations need a different kind of help and we will refer them to other resources.
How does discernment counseling actually play out?
In discernment counseling, the counselor does not have an agenda for the couple’s relationship (Doherty et al., 2016). We are not trying to repair it.
We are not suggesting what they should do. We are helping them understand their input into the relational issues, what it would take in the way of effort to make changes, and whether they are willing to do that work, or whether they would prefer to leave things as they are or separate.
To demonstrate, I can give two examples of this.
The couple that stayed together
One couple came to me after multiple (non-affair) betrayals of trust that were serious blows to the relationship. The betrayed partner was mostly out of the relationship but wasn’t 100% certain because of the children.
The leaning in partner really wanted the relationship but did not know how to make changes that their partner would see as “good enough”. They were routinely shooting themselves in the foot as they talked to their partner about the relationship and why their spouse wouldn’t forgive them since they had already made changes. The leaning in partner did not understand why the betrayed partner was still upset with them.
With discernment counseling, this couple was able to see what each of them contributed to the problem and what it would take in couples counseling to repair the marriage. Once they determined this, they both decided to move forward with a period of couples counseling, which they later completed successfully, feeling that their relationship was better than when they started.
The couple that decided to separate
An example of a couple that decided to separate, again with a mixed agenda, one leaning in and one leaning out. During discernment counseling, they determined that their values, lifestyles, wants, and needs for the future were now so different that one of them would have to give up what they wanted in order for the other to be happy. Neither of them was willing or able to compromise and still be happy.
This couple decided to separate, but to do so in a way that was calm and healthy. They went on to have sessions with a counselor to discuss how to separate while keeping the best interests of the children at heart and reduce the impact on them.
Both of these are considered a success for discernment counseling (Doherty et al., 2016).
What comes up most often in discernment counseling?
The thing I see most often that comes up unexpectedly in discernment counseling is how other people or problems around the relationship have played into the relationship issues. This may be things like somebody’s family members stirring the pot, their trauma, their job, their unmanaged mental health issues, or a drug or alcohol problem they didn’t realize was a valid issue. When we started to talk, they realized that the issue in question was a dealbreaker for their partner, and why.
With discernment counseling, the goal isn’t to tell partners they have to change or fix any of those things. It’s to help them determine whether those are necessary changes for the relationship to move forward, and if so, whether they want to make them. There’s no right or wrong answer.
For example, if your partner absolutely requires you to quit smoking in order to continue the relationship, and you do not want to quit smoking, it is not my job to convince you to quit. It is my job to help you see that your partner is serious, that they are making this a requirement for moving forward as a couple. Then I help you walk through deciding if you want to make the change or leave the relationship.
What happens after discernment counseling?
When both partners decide to stay, we transition them into couples counseling, either at Revitalize You or with another trusted practitioner. The goal of the couples counseling then becomes working on the relationship for a period of time with divorce completely off the table (Doherty et al., 2016).
When someone decides to leave, we help them find whatever support they need in having that discussion with their spouse. Oftentimes both parties have come to that decision at the same time. When they haven’t, we provide support in how to have the conversation in a calm, healthy way, and we provide support during that moment as needed for the other partner. We also provide support or referrals for individual therapy if needed, or for family therapy to help the couple end the relationship in a healthy way, especially if there are children involved.
At times, couples decide to keep things as they are. This often happens when the couple is not ready for couples therapy but is not ready or able to make changes at this time. An example of this is a couple that decides to stay together and not make any decisions about the relationship until their last child graduates high school in a few months.
Does Insurance Cover Discernment Counseling?
Usually not. Insurance pays to treat a diagnosed mental health condition. Discernment counseling is a decision-making process, not treatment for a mental health diagnosis, so there is nothing for insurance to cover. Plan to pay out of pocket in most cases. Because it is short-term, one to five sessions, the total cost is often less than ongoing couple therapy (Doherty et al., 2016).
How to Find a Discernment Counselor
Before you book a discernment counseling session, ask the therapist directly: “Have you completed formal training in the discernment counseling model?” It is a specific model with a specific structure. Plenty of therapists say they offer it. Not all of them have been trained in it (Doherty et al., 2016). Then ask them for the link to check their credentials online with the Doherty Institute, the group that trains and certifies discernment counselors.
I think the biggest insider thing that surprises people is that most people calling themselves discernment counselors actually have no discernment counseling training. People don’t realize that it is a therapy model and not just a term for mixed-agenda couples counseling. There are also few people who are trained in the model, and even fewer who are certified in discernment counseling.
Where do I start with Discernment Counseling?
If one of you is leaning out and the other is leaning in, and you need clarity and confidence about which path to take, contact Revitalize You and ask whether discernment counseling is the right first step.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does discernment counseling work?
Discernment counseling has excellent research behind it. In the original study of 100 couples, 47% chose couple therapy, 41% chose separation or divorce, and 12% chose to keep things as they were (Doherty et al., 2016). This means that couples actually made a clear decision on how to move forward instead of kicking the can down the road for longer.
Will discernment counseling save our marriage?
Discernment counseling is not intended to save your marriage. It is intended to help you decide whether to commit to a period of couples counseling, whether to separate, or whether to keep the status quo. Healing the relationship is the job of couples counseling, not discernment counseling. The goal is to help you gain clarity and confidence about which path to take.
How long does discernment counseling take, and how many sessions is it?
Discernment counseling may be as short as one session and is a maximum of five sessions (Doherty et al., 2016). Couples commit to only one session at a time. At the end of each session, you both decide whether to come back for another or if the decision is already made. The first session is two hours, and later sessions are an hour and a half. Many couples reach their decision before the fifth session.
How much does discernment counseling cost?
Discernment counseling is billed at the therapist’s session hour rate. At Revitalize You, session hour rates run $150–$250, depending on the therapist. You pay for the time you are in session. The first session is two hours, so it bills as two hours. Later sessions are an hour and a half, so they bill as one and a half session hours. Insurance does not usually cover discernment counseling, so check with your insurance company in advance.
How should I prepare for discernment counseling?
Before the first session, you will have a screening call with the therapist. That call is to make sure discernment counseling is the right fit for your situation. During the call, the therapist will tell you how to prepare for your sessions based on where you are in your relationship. If you are not a fit, they will provide recommendations and/or referrals for next steps.
References
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246–255. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12132
